To family and friend.
She was perhaps the best thing that has happened…ever. I felt totally cheesy thinking it, but she most definitely took my breath away. Man, if only there was something better to describe this feeling. Every time I saw her long, black, wavy hair, her smooth mocha skin, those huge brown eyes, those sensuous lips, I could not wait but have her around my arms. Even when we let go, her scent always lingered around my body. I loved that feeling.
We just chilled every early morning. That time when the darkness started to fade away and the sun began brighten up the sky. That’s exactly how I felt whenever I was with her. She brightened my day. Again, those cheesy lines. She always felt cold so she always cuddled close with my varsity jacket on, which I let her keep, and laid her head on my shoulder. Whenever the night came back, we just talked about life in her bedroom when we lied on her bed together, holding each other’s hands. I always thought that she had all the answers to the difficult questions to life. Yes, I know that may sound stupid, but she was just awesome to me.
I loved her. It felt that I was jumping the gun on this since we’ve only been together for about three months, but I can’t help it. I felt that I knew everything about her, from her favorite candy to her past experiences of her childhood. It was as if we’d been together for much longer. Whenever I described my relationship to my friends, they always said, “You’re probably moving way too fast.” or “What are you f…… stupid or something? Just relax a little.” But what do they know? They don’t have a relationship. They don’t know about actually loving anyone. Finally, I then had the balls to say it to her in one of our mornings, “I love you.” She just paused for a bit. Then she quietly, calmly said something as she caressed my hand, “I love you, too.”
Then we got into a fight. I don’t exactly remember why it happened. Probably it was something stupid. I just went home and slept for the night thinking, hoping it was okay. I woke up optimistic. Again, it was that time when the dark faded away and the sun slowly brightened up the sky. I then called her, no answer. I texted her, no response. I IMed (instant messaged) her, no reply. This was weird. Probably she was still a little ticked off about the situation. I just wanted to move on. I was ready to apologize regardless of whether or not it was my fault. I really wanted things back to normal.
However, that was absolutely not the case. For several days, no knock on the door, no phone calls, no texts, no IMs. Then several days turned to several weeks. What was going on? My mind was going crazy. Why won’t she talk to me? It even reached the point where whenever I logged on to AIM (American Online Instant Messanger), her screen name immediately turned from black to gray. It was pretty f…… obvious. She was ignoring me. Soon desperation turned to depression. I still loved her. She told me that she loved me. Again, very loaded statement. I found myself not enjoying the things that normally made me happy. Every night, I couldn’t even go to sleep without crying. I felt my masculinity disappear at this moment. Everyday, my heart just tightened up. My brain was pulsing rapidly against my skull. I felt I was getting crushed from within. I couldn’t even smile to anyone. I wanted to just hold her in my arms, to have her sent linger on my body. I wanted to say, sorry, sorry, sorry, so many times. I wanted to forgive, to be forgiven. However, there was nothing.
After several weeks, I got a response. However, it wasn’t through a knock on the door, not a written or typed letter, not a phone call, not even an IM. It was an email of all things. I opened it hoping that things would be okay. She wrote:
So I know I've been a complete prick about this whole situation and sending you and e-mail doesn't make up for any of that. If you really want to know why I did things the way I did keep reading or if you're done and moved on delete this. I was not the greatest girlfriend to you that I should've been. This entire time I've been ripping my mind apart trying to find something that you did to justify my actions but it doesn't exist. You were absolutely wonderful to me for the most part and I was an idiot and took it for granted. I mean neither of us was honestly anywhere near perfect and we both did screw up but I never did as much as I should've to get things to a better spot with you. So for my mistake I am infinitely sorry. You deserve someone who is so much better than me and can put you before anything in their life. I still love you and you haven't left my mind for even a second. This isn't me trying to make up everything and try to be in your life again because I don't deserve it. I just wanted to basically admit that you were right about me in some regard and tell you how incredibly sorry I am for being such a prick to you. To even show how sorry I am, your varsity jacket is going to be put in the mail because I know how much you care about it and I don't want to hurt you any further. If you don't ever want to hear from me again that's fine just know that you were somewhat right and I am an a...... for not being a better girlfriend in the time I had you.
That was it. An email filled with grammatical errors. It didn’t have my name on it. She didn’t even put her name on it. Perhaps deep down inside she didn’t want to admit that she wrote this. I frantically called her, texted her, IMed her. I still had hope. I wanted to talk. I wanted to see if I could help. I so much wanted to fix things. If there was a third person observing this right now, yes, she was acting like an a……. I was being extremely desperate. Many people would have said to just let go…it’s over. I didn’t want to admit it. I loved her.
Nevertheless, it took me four days to finally realize that it was over. There was nothing I could do. If only I could go back in time and fix things, but obviously that was not going to happen. She was someone special, someone I used to love. Eventually, my desperation, my depression turned to total anger. What the f… happened? What kind of s… was this? She was a total b…. for treating me like this. I cried for weeks over her. I tried to reach. I tried to be understanding, caring, loving, but nothing. I deleted her screen name when it was still gray. I removed her phone number from my cell. I want to yell at her face…f… you. How could she treat me like this? How could she say that she loved me and then leave me so broken down? Was she so cold, so stupid to realize that she had hurt me so much over this? I did nothing but to treat her well. It was love, damn it! Well, what a b……. statement that became. I felt like a total idiot. At the end of the day, I went to bed so angry. However, I couldn’t go to sleep without lamenting in my tears once more.
The next day came up. The room was cold because the window was open. The dark started to disappear, the sun slowly brightened up the sky. I looked out the window. This used to be a very special part of the day. I simply wanted to move on, to be indifferent over this. There was this saying that the opposite of love was not hate but indifference. I wanted to not care, to let go, but part of me couldn’t let go. It was probably because part of me loved her still. I just wanted to talk one more time, to get full closure. However, that will never happen. My heart still felt crushed. My brain was pulsing like crazy. If only she would talk to me one more time. I would ask her only one question. Just one question.
Why don’t you love me?
3 comments:
its soo long. ima read it one day dumo =)
The story kept me intrigued the whole way through. I could tell you put a lot of thought and emotion into writing this, and I'm sure many people can relate to this situation. A sad read :[... but I like how it's down-to-earth and not too sugar-coated.
I love you Dumo.
Post a Comment