Nice People

We are people pleasers who subconsciously live for the smiles and gratuitous compliments we receive from each small and random act of kindness we commit. We alter our behaviors with the hope of impressing those who watch us closely (or those whom we want to watch us closely). We are wanderers and sometimes even floaters, lusting (and probably needing) for an exclusive, secluded place to claim as our very own. Simultaneously, we long for that one person--a being we'd like to label as our soulmate--to be able to share that place (at least for one moment in our lifetime) with us.

Prideful? Conceited? Whatever.
Here's the deal: I'm the NICEST person you'll ever meet.

Outiside: smiles and holds up a peace sign
Inside: yells out the eff word and holds up a peace sign without the index finger

Passing thought.

Waking

up?

Beep Beep Beep

Isittimetowakeup?
WasIDreaming?IsItFriday?

Oh, no.

It's just, another day.
Out of the room
brushing my teeth
dressing up
getting ready.
No more time for breakfast, whatever's in the room.

Running running running

Session 1:
Let the clock strike 10.
Sleeping or dreaming of sleeping.
Can you repeat that?
I couldn't hear.

Walk, Walk, Walk.

Lunch:
Who's around?
Schedules clash, don't they?
Planning ahead:
I remember now.
It's you and you, then you.
Now it's time-
Avoid main entrees,
getting settled.
Abundance in little.

Walk.
Oh, that person from that time
Walk.
Oh, another squirrel
Walk.
Oh, a flyer
Walk.
Oh, life


Hour Gap:
Free time, my time,
or lost time?
Finding friends
interacting or not-
Update entries with the world.
Yawning.
Ticking clock.
Thinking
thinking
thinking
Too late.

Running running running

Session 2:
Let the clock strike 12.
Ah, makes more sense
though I didn't read.
I know but I don't know.

Walk.
What comes next?
Walk.
This turn here.
Walk.
Yes.

Session 3:
Information limit
Or lack thereof?
Last one to go.
Talking, sitting, listening.
Talking, sitting, listening.
Talking,
Midterm?
sitting,
Grades?
listening,
Future?

Distraction.


Walking (running), walking (running), walking (running).


Dinner:
With or alone?
Same question every night:
Friends?
Family?
Twins?
Chew. Independence?
Chew. Question mark?
Chew. Chew. Chew.
... Swallow.


Walk. You're that person from that time.
Walk. Hanging out.
Walk. Will I go out?
Walk. What's the borderline?
Walk. Finals?
Walk. What about summer?
Walk. Am I ready?
Walk. I wish there would be care.
Walk. The motivation to move.
Walk. Sedentary life.
Walk. Flab.
Walk. Love?


Starting the job (maybe).
Opening the book (ideally).
Doing the work.
Thinking:

not an option.

Thinking:

a passing thought.

shadow girl

I looked at her thighs--
boney thin and erect;
dim and graceful and
everything I wanted i
n myself and in my m
ind. Her legs, so slend
er and civil and classy
. Her arms, sleek as b
arbed wire, cold to th
e touch (her touch wa
s ever so vague and c
omplacent). She looke
d once familiar to me,
like a mirror rebound
ing off the asphalt ins
tead of glass. The "s
ilver" girl, (gold is exh
austed). Her face was
meaningless to me; a
clean slate--as clean a
s the chalkboards that
leave vague imprints a
fter furiously trying to
erase any lovely mista
k es. She is me, yet
I am not her.

I am so jealous.

I want her. I wa
nt to be
her.
.
.
.


- - - - -

Inspiration: A young girl once told me, "I wish I looked like my shadow" as we were walking outside one day. She was telling me this as she was looking at her shadow stretching across the concrete as the sun was setting (yet in this poem, I stated that the shadow is running along asphalt, not concrete). At such a young age, this girl was unhappy with her body weight. This poem is trying to reenact that dissatisfaction, yet I think it goes so much deeper than words can depict.

Stop the Presses!

Before someone gets hurt by what they read.
It hits the eyes of those that couldn't sleep.
Falls off their pillows, rolls on the carpet
Where they nestle in the fabric and rot, rot, rot...

Before someone gets hurt by the words
That hit the ears of listeners,
And instantly fall to the Earth
Where they plant themselves firmly in the dirt,

And grow, grow, grow...

My super-ego forbids it

this forbidden tango,
the uncoordinated
left-footed
waltz.

one step:

We loved each other.

second beat:

We almost kissed.

third turn:

you stepped on me.

fourth twist:

i truned aawy

fifth step:

i lsot my pcale


My super-ego forbids it,
my id says to LEAVE,
to find another twist-and-turner.
Someone who won't merely
"Carry you
(with
Footsteps
in the
Sand)."

but,

I want to dance.
I want to tango.

My ego says yes,
my heart says no.


It's paradoxical.


- - - - -

Just to clear up things... This poem isn't about love. It's about making an important decision... And if you caught this, I bolded the "t" in "tango" on purpose.

pathetic

you're pathetic

you stay up late, waiting for a call
waiting in the wings, you jump at any chance
you're just a backup, the last resort
when all other relationships fail, you're the sloppy seconds...
thirds... fourths..
you say you'll be there no matter what
you would go to the ends of the earth
you get walked all over, and you don't reply
you're just being used
taken advantage of
when are you going to grow a pair,
walk away, be strong?
when are you going to realize it's not going to happen?
it's NEVER going to happen.
you're pathetic.

i think if i tell that to myself in the mirror everyday, i'll learn how to walk away from you.


[sidenote]
i wrote this last night and after today's events, i think i have a better change of listening to myself now.

on a leash

sit.
stand.
heel.
jump.
speak.

you tug, i follow.
you're strong, i'm weak.
all your commands leave me confused.
but i'm here waiting,
waiting for your next order.

ps. i can't write for shit.

[Psychosocial] Moratorium

High on exploration, and I'm continuing this search.














No commitments [yet].

A Lack of Assertiveness

I waited for an opportunity to appear while there was no chance to begin with
Judging proved to be the most difficult and I still can't understand
what the influence was What the motivation is Or what the feeling is
that underlies my curious and overindulgent mind
There isn't one There is no opportunity
Because it never actually existed

Maybe you're oblivious, Or perhaps I'm just naive
But I can't continue to feel like
there's a time for everything.
I've tried to see the potential,
but the color's quickly fading;
the intensity's dulling up,
and I can't stop this transformation
of a Brilliant Light
To a blend of apathy

Where is the hope
when hope is nowhere within sight?
I wanted an answer; I prayed for one,
but prayer's becoming the fault of my objective--
My initiative to move.
The color's quickly fading,
and the intensity's dulling up,
but there's no more time for change--
There is No more chance,
No more opportunity;
Only reality,
only the wonder
i'm to be stuck with,
while you go on...

and i stay left behind.

The Greatest B....... Concept of All...Love

This is a short story that I recently wrote. Although this story does contain explicit language (Just look at the title!), it does indeed need these words to express the struggle between wanting to be very compassionate, understanding, and loving and the reality of being a total human being. However, the explicit language has been censored to a degree so that you as the reader can figure out what they are. I personally don't truly believe that love in itself is b........ However, especially when we are torn over our experiences of romantic love, we can't help but say that it is b........

To family and friend.

She was perhaps the best thing that has happened…ever. I felt totally cheesy thinking it, but she most definitely took my breath away. Man, if only there was something better to describe this feeling. Every time I saw her long, black, wavy hair, her smooth mocha skin, those huge brown eyes, those sensuous lips, I could not wait but have her around my arms. Even when we let go, her scent always lingered around my body. I loved that feeling.

We just chilled every early morning. That time when the darkness started to fade away and the sun began brighten up the sky. That’s exactly how I felt whenever I was with her. She brightened my day. Again, those cheesy lines. She always felt cold so she always cuddled close with my varsity jacket on, which I let her keep, and laid her head on my shoulder. Whenever the night came back, we just talked about life in her bedroom when we lied on her bed together, holding each other’s hands. I always thought that she had all the answers to the difficult questions to life. Yes, I know that may sound stupid, but she was just awesome to me.

I loved her. It felt that I was jumping the gun on this since we’ve only been together for about three months, but I can’t help it. I felt that I knew everything about her, from her favorite candy to her past experiences of her childhood. It was as if we’d been together for much longer. Whenever I described my relationship to my friends, they always said, “You’re probably moving way too fast.” or “What are you f…… stupid or something? Just relax a little.” But what do they know? They don’t have a relationship. They don’t know about actually loving anyone. Finally, I then had the balls to say it to her in one of our mornings, “I love you.” She just paused for a bit. Then she quietly, calmly said something as she caressed my hand, “I love you, too.”

Then we got into a fight. I don’t exactly remember why it happened. Probably it was something stupid. I just went home and slept for the night thinking, hoping it was okay. I woke up optimistic. Again, it was that time when the dark faded away and the sun slowly brightened up the sky. I then called her, no answer. I texted her, no response. I IMed (instant messaged) her, no reply. This was weird. Probably she was still a little ticked off about the situation. I just wanted to move on. I was ready to apologize regardless of whether or not it was my fault. I really wanted things back to normal.

However, that was absolutely not the case. For several days, no knock on the door, no phone calls, no texts, no IMs. Then several days turned to several weeks. What was going on? My mind was going crazy. Why won’t she talk to me? It even reached the point where whenever I logged on to AIM (American Online Instant Messanger), her screen name immediately turned from black to gray. It was pretty f…… obvious. She was ignoring me. Soon desperation turned to depression. I still loved her. She told me that she loved me. Again, very loaded statement. I found myself not enjoying the things that normally made me happy. Every night, I couldn’t even go to sleep without crying. I felt my masculinity disappear at this moment. Everyday, my heart just tightened up. My brain was pulsing rapidly against my skull. I felt I was getting crushed from within. I couldn’t even smile to anyone. I wanted to just hold her in my arms, to have her sent linger on my body. I wanted to say, sorry, sorry, sorry, so many times. I wanted to forgive, to be forgiven. However, there was nothing.

After several weeks, I got a response. However, it wasn’t through a knock on the door, not a written or typed letter, not a phone call, not even an IM. It was an email of all things. I opened it hoping that things would be okay. She wrote:

So I know I've been a complete prick about this whole situation and sending you and e-mail doesn't make up for any of that. If you really want to know why I did things the way I did keep reading or if you're done and moved on delete this. I was not the greatest girlfriend to you that I should've been. This entire time I've been ripping my mind apart trying to find something that you did to justify my actions but it doesn't exist. You were absolutely wonderful to me for the most part and I was an idiot and took it for granted. I mean neither of us was honestly anywhere near perfect and we both did screw up but I never did as much as I should've to get things to a better spot with you. So for my mistake I am infinitely sorry. You deserve someone who is so much better than me and can put you before anything in their life. I still love you and you haven't left my mind for even a second. This isn't me trying to make up everything and try to be in your life again because I don't deserve it. I just wanted to basically admit that you were right about me in some regard and tell you how incredibly sorry I am for being such a prick to you. To even show how sorry I am, your varsity jacket is going to be put in the mail because I know how much you care about it and I don't want to hurt you any further. If you don't ever want to hear from me again that's fine just know that you were somewhat right and I am an a...... for not being a better girlfriend in the time I had you.

That was it. An email filled with grammatical errors. It didn’t have my name on it. She didn’t even put her name on it. Perhaps deep down inside she didn’t want to admit that she wrote this. I frantically called her, texted her, IMed her. I still had hope. I wanted to talk. I wanted to see if I could help. I so much wanted to fix things. If there was a third person observing this right now, yes, she was acting like an a……. I was being extremely desperate. Many people would have said to just let go…it’s over. I didn’t want to admit it. I loved her.

Nevertheless, it took me four days to finally realize that it was over. There was nothing I could do. If only I could go back in time and fix things, but obviously that was not going to happen. She was someone special, someone I used to love. Eventually, my desperation, my depression turned to total anger. What the f… happened? What kind of s… was this? She was a total b…. for treating me like this. I cried for weeks over her. I tried to reach. I tried to be understanding, caring, loving, but nothing. I deleted her screen name when it was still gray. I removed her phone number from my cell. I want to yell at her face…f… you. How could she treat me like this? How could she say that she loved me and then leave me so broken down? Was she so cold, so stupid to realize that she had hurt me so much over this? I did nothing but to treat her well. It was love, damn it! Well, what a b……. statement that became. I felt like a total idiot. At the end of the day, I went to bed so angry. However, I couldn’t go to sleep without lamenting in my tears once more.

The next day came up. The room was cold because the window was open. The dark started to disappear, the sun slowly brightened up the sky. I looked out the window. This used to be a very special part of the day. I simply wanted to move on, to be indifferent over this. There was this saying that the opposite of love was not hate but indifference. I wanted to not care, to let go, but part of me couldn’t let go. It was probably because part of me loved her still. I just wanted to talk one more time, to get full closure. However, that will never happen. My heart still felt crushed. My brain was pulsing like crazy. If only she would talk to me one more time. I would ask her only one question. Just one question.

Why don’t you love me?

insight to Life

everyone else is writing poems too ;)
so i thought i would post mine:

when the trees fall down
and you know it inside.
snap up, straight up.
you got no where to hide.

make the best of what you got
be the envy of all.
when youre at rock bottom,
there is no where to fall.

we look to the past
to prepare for the north.
put one foot in front of the other.
don't you dare stop moving forth.

aches and pains
tear up my heart.
a few words of acknowledgment
make sure we never part.

words show you still care
that you want to be there.
your presence is more romantic
than sitting alone in a chair.

don't forget your friends.
don't forget your bests.
know who's good in your life:
separate them from the rest.

i think every day
of what we couldve had.
some different decisions
would make good instead of bad.

i dont regret the memories
though they always hurt.
just stay in my life,
yes you, you little squirt.

id like to give a shout out.
id like to thank my friends.
don't let me stop loving you guys
even at the world's end.

life is full of happiness.
live it every day.
don't let all the misery
get in the way.

sometimes inactiveness
is the world's greatest sin.
if we stand still
tell me how we're supposed to win.

i have my moments,
and we have our pain.
don't hold it in
cause then you will go insane.

i miss a lot of people,
im going to miss more.
lets keep our hearts close,
no excuses in store.

my comfort zone is large.
to succeed i'll probably leave.
let's make some more memories,
have faith, just believe.

for those who i neglect,
listen to my word:
i want you in my life,
longer than "Free Bird."

i like to be funny.
lets stop getting seriOus.
sometimes the best things in life
come from solving the mysterious.

you can't figure me out.
there's too much to learn.
id like to get to know you better,
its hard waiting my turn.

love comes from God.
no love? we're without Him.
the more love you have in your life,
the less your face'll be grim.

music is my key.
let me unlock the door.
it opens up the ears
to a new world to explore.

let it all out.
put it into words.
you feel much better
when you get to blurb.

what happened to rugrats?
they're all grown up.
tommy has a beard
and angelica is getting fucked.

girls like confidence.
they like good looks.
so if you're an ugly mofo
you better be able to read books.

i hope this give you insight
to part of my life.
i wrote this for everyone.
im removing the knife.

i've been tired of feeling lonely.
my life is really great.
this bad-good memories i get
can go sink in a lake.

It's a simple equation

I

am not

You.

charmaine invited me so i'm here... :-)